Things unknown. My journey and struggle with BPD part 1

Signs and symptoms of borderline personality disorder may include:

• Impulsive and risky behavior, such as risky driving, unsafe sex, gambling sprees or illegal drug use
• Awareness of destructive behavior, including self-injury, but sometimes feeling unable to change it
• Wide mood swings
• Short but intense episodes of anxiety or depression
• Inappropriate anger and antagonistic behavior, sometimes escalating into physical fights
• Difficulty controlling emotions or impulses
• Suicidal behavior
• Feeling misunderstood, neglected, alone, empty or hopeless
• Fear of being alone
• Feelings of self-hate and self-loathing

Apparently you have to have at least 5 of these symptoms to be diagnosed with BPD. To me, a lot of this sounded like typical young adult struggles and just characteristics of a person with low self esteem. 

I was in complete denial that some stranger who spent no more than an hour with me during a week long stay in the psych unit, could identify a condition I suffer from and therefore, change the life ahead of me. I wasn't even told about the diagnosis. That's how pathetic it is. Taboo. It's taboo. No one wants to talk about it. It's just a pile of crap, in my opinion. (At least, it was when I first found out about it) My discharge forms showed nothing out of the ordinary: suicidal ideation, severe depressive disorder, anxiety-unknown, PTSD... blah blah blah. Nothing I haven't heard before. 

To me, before all this mumbo jumbo psych babble existed, people were people. You were unique, weird, deranged, depressed, good, bad, self-conscious, whatever. While research has proven a lengthy history of "real" mental disorders such as schizophrenia and bipolar disorder, everything else just appeared to be personality traits equally as unique as the person's fingerprints or DNA. 

So naturally, when I looked at the explanation of benefits from my hospital stay, and saw the words borderline personality disorder, I was upset that those chicken shits couldn't even tell me to my face, but also, brushed it off as something that anyone could be diagnosed with, given the opportunity.

What I have come to learn about BPD in the 10 months since my hospitalization has caused me to look very deep inside of myself for answers. While I am still not in treatment, I hope to be soon. All of the reading I've done has shown that psychiatric therapy and drug therapy are the best means for success in the fight with this disorder that cannot be cured. 

My hope is to reach out to anyone out there facing the same struggle, and document my journey each step of the way.